The Golden Rule

The rule looks like this: treat everyone in the same way You would like to be treated. It seems to be ethical and morally good. The big religions have it in their teachings, many cultures endorse it and you can add the maxim: treat everyone in the same way. That’s fair, isn’t it?

Make it your Iron Rule not to follow The Golden Rule!

Why is that so? Listen to this case:

Cindy, the boss of 4 managers, is somewhat stuck with her team. They are waiting for instructions and do not get results always in the time frame and with the quality Cindy has requested them to deliver. She is very good at delegating jobs, she thinks, by giving a project or a task to them and then waiting until the deadline comes to see results. Sometimes she gets it, sometimes not and is frustrated.
In our coaching session she has some insights telling her that she is usually coming into meetings with ready solutions, is talking most of the time, and isn’t actively engaging her staff in discussions.
Her idea is in future not to come with solutions into team meetings or when discussing individually with them, asking for team members’ input and more preparation and even letting them present their contribution in meetings. Good idea!

Two weeks later she is sitting in front of me, visibly nervous, and telling me with a frustrated undertone in her voice that it didn’t work. According to her one of her staff got almost a heart attack when hearing he should present in front of the group, another one took advantage of the fact that she invited them to talk by starting a round of chats and jokes, the third person was just trying to hide somewhere and only one participated in a constructive way. What happened?

Cindy at first is clueless and starts a blame game: most of her staff does not have good enough skills; they don’t cooperate and do not respect her.

I then ask Cindy to describe her and what the people around might be thinking of her. She comes up with this portrait: she is that type who is precise, matter-of-fact, analytical and careful. She is focused on tasks and wants things get done correctly. She sees herself as having high standards to produce quality work. She thinks that other people might find her to be critical and may be even cold. But that’s fine with her because that is who she is.

And how is her boss? Cindy describes him as a bit talkative and sometimes emotional but otherwise, optimistic, energetic and enthusiastic. She doesn’t like that he is not looking more into details and does not really follow up on issues.

Can she also describe her reports and what type of person they are?
This is what she comes up with:

David is a bit aggressive but results-oriented. He likes getting things done but is not listening to her. Prefers to take his task and be left alone, hates when she tries to micro manage him.

Irene is sociable, optimistic and lively, promises a lot but does not always deliver. She is popular amongst the other colleagues. Her carelessness about details drives Cindy sometimes through the roof as well as Iren’s requests to know where she stands with her projects.

Susan, is calm and helpful as well as a very good team player. But she doesn’t like change, is sometimes even stubborn and when trusted with a project she tries the old way and does not display any urgency. Susan dislikes their team meetings.

Remains Carlos, he is analytical and careful with good results, focuses on getting things done. He is not a good team player and keeps his other colleagues at a distance. He is a bit pessimistic and very critical. Sometimes loosing the big picture in his projects he can end up being lost in analysis. He is very quiet in meetings and fears to speak up in front of others.

This exercise leads to a great inside for Cindy. She suddenly becomes aware that her almost exclusive focus on tasks and not on her people has closed her eyes for how different people are and that they need and want different things. Most of them are just not like her.

Following this we discuss the so called Platinum Rule:
Treat others the way They want or need to be treated.

Skeptically she leaves our session but promises to try it out…….

For David: make sure he really understands what the project is about and then let him go…
For Irene: give her better exposure in meetings and check in on Iren’s projects to let her know where she stands.
For Susan: talk more with her and give a helping hand with her projects
For Carlos: have more one on one discussion with him and explain in more detail the purpose of his assignments.

Two month down the road Cindy tells me that it was not easy but her relationship with her team had changed to the positive, the team meetings had become productive and her people also had developed a better team collaboration.

Conclusion: for better results use the Platinum Rule!